Reflections.
I know I’ve been quiet since TOR, frankly needing to ease my way back into the digital world and then being resistant to do so. Days on end on trail focused on one singular goal made it hard to exit that tunnel and see the world again. It’s like I’m trying to refocus, but someone switched off the autofocus and I have to find the manual focus.
And if I’m being honest, this year has been a lot; I was already struggling to step outside each moment to process it or see the greater picture. Let alone reflect it out. My mental shutter needing cleaned, if you will.
As I’ve wandered through my muddled thoughts on the race and my time in Europe, I’ve felt I’ve best digested it in conversations. At least at first. Then came settling into my feelings, distracting from fully analyzing it, and now, an attempt to return to life as ‘normal.’ Words don’t escape me necessarily, and I expect to keep trying to write everything down I can both for myself and those few interested.
Contrasts.
Panning out, what I see in this moment of reflection are the juxtapositions and contradictions of this goal, my journey to it, experience within it, and what lies ahead.
The hopeful confidence that both an American, and myself, could find success. The near-crippling apprehension and doubt from early August until the start of the race.
The simplicity of running for days on end, alongside the complexity of troubleshooting everything that can go wrong.
The vast sacrifice put in, and the vast emptiness of an incomplete race.
The linear path of a determined race route, against the circuity with which the course and trails seemed designed (especially mid-race).
The enormity of any level of accomplishment or failure, when no one really f**king cares and none of it f**king matters.
The finality of getting to race day and completing something, having now seen almost the whole loop of the Alta Via 1 & 2 after years of hard work. The infinite unknown ahead should I choose to resume pursuit of this goal.
Reverberations.
What do I choose to take out of this experience?
The work I do in the darkroom in my head will create an imprint. I can choose to file it away in a folder of negatives, print it for a scrapbook, or even frame it on the wall. I can appreciate it for the beauty it is, or endlessly analyze the artistic intent. The image of this experience can stay a snapshot in time, or I can use it as a roadmap.
Like often happens in training and races, the lessons I take with me have as much potential as I value them for. There’s clearly applications to the continued pursuit of this goal, should I steadfastly choose that path. And of course, many a translation to life outside running. Not to mention, the very real manifestation of physical and probably emotional issues from life that transferred into my race immediately.
Some of this provides very clear steps, some needs more time and work. Do I keep reverberating such lessons until I listen? I hope so.